God is in the Details

Written by Jeremy Hawkins

Jade

Jade Duckworth is a former student of mine, having graduated nearly a decade ago.  For better or worse, Jade was unique in the CMU athletic training program – she is black and CMU is a predominantly white institution.  Because of the relationship that Jade and I developed, her entire senior year she and I had a standing appointment on Fridays at 11 am.  That time was set aside for questions and frustrations. It was also safe place for Jade to sit, study, or just be.

Jade and I have stayed in touch over the years and she graciously accepted my invitation to be featured on a blog post.  We then met over Zoom and I was uplifted as she shared her journey with me. She pointed out numerous times that God is in the details, that He always has been, hence the title of this post. I’m happy to share just a piece of her story with you today, as I believe you will be uplifted too.

A Lover of Christ

In asking Jade what she would put in her bio, she stated, “A stay-at-home wife and mother (1-year-old and 1-month-old boys at the time of the interview), and a lover of Christ.”  But she hasn’t always described herself that way.  Jade shared that she has dealt with depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation for years.  It was meeting her husband, Jerry, at CMU, that helped her begin to see herself differently.  Jerry is “a pastor’s kid” who helped direct her toward good paths. Together they have navigated numerous challenges. In this post, I will focus primarily on their fertility struggles.    

Heartache

Jade was very open about the unique fertility challenges that she and Jerry faced. Getting pregnant was not her challenge.  Her challenge was staying pregnant.  Between 2018 and 2022 she was pregnant eight times with 10 babies total.  She never made it past 8 weeks.  Through testing, she learned that she has a heart-shaped uterus which makes implantation difficult.  Unfortunately, her condition was thought to be unfixable. This eliminated the possibility of things like in-vitro.  

At one point Jade’s doctor told Jerry to stop getting her pregnant, something that Jerry did not share with Jade. The reason for the doctor’s recommendation? The emotional and physical pain each failed pregnancy caused Jade.  Despite the heartache and pain, Jerry and Jade continued to try. Jade knew that she would be a mother someday. It was just a matter of when.  

Why Not Me?

Things began to change for Jade after her sixth miscarriage.  It was at this point that she began to accept her journey, recognizing that she had little control over it.  The conversations she had been having with Jerry about not leaning on our own understanding and knowing that God is with us in the middle of our storms began to sink in.  Jade joined a support group. This provided her the opportunity to strengthen others through her experiences.  Feelings of anger, hurt, frustration, and envy began to give way to greater hope and trust in God. Jade’s questioning changed from “Why is this happening to me?” to “Why not me?”   

A New Perspective

Jade and Jerry have now been blessed with two beautiful boys. That, as well as the shift in perspective that came during their struggles, has helped Jade to see that period of her life differently. She counts it a blessing that she and Jerry did not have children when they first began trying. At that time, they weren’t married, she wasn’t looking to God, and she was working through past trama. Jade knows that she would not have been the mother she is today if she’d had her babies right away. The delay in having kids allowed her and Jerry to get married. It also gave them time to strengthen their marriage so that they would be able to stand strong through the difficulties and tests that come along with parenting. In addition, the delay in having kids allowed Jade to break a cycle common in her life of single and divorced mothers, something she had always hoped to do.

The Courage to Choose

It would have been easy for Jade to have turned to anger because of the disappointment and heartache she and Jerry faced over and over again.  Instead, she chose to courageously focus on her blessings. She also chose to show her gratitude to God in very public ways, one being through the naming of her boys.  She and Jerry gave both of their boys biblical names that symbolize where their family was in their walk with God at the time the boys were born. 

Noah is the oldest.  His name was chosen because Noah had to trust in God for a long time before the flood came, just like Jade and Jerry had to trust Him before being blessed with their first baby.  (A quick side note – because Noah was breech, Jade delivered him via c-section.  While doing so, the doctor was able to do a procedure on Jade’s uterus that made future pregnancies possible.  Another blessing!)  Moses came next, admittedly a little sooner than they had planned.  His name represents being delivered from their trials, just like Moses delivered the children of Israel.  

Gratitude & God’s Promises

Jade is grateful for the experiences in her life that helped turn her toward God. She knows that God is in the details and that He knows us intimately. Jade hopes that she will be able to help both of her boys walk with God sooner than she did. She wants them to be able to see the blessing of having Him in their lives. This email excerpt that I received from her shortly after our interview sums things up well:

“I forgot to mention, when I got pregnant with Noah I prayed in the spirit the same prayer that Hannah did when she begged for a child. That child ended up being the prophet Samuel (I didn’t realize it at the time that I did the same prayer). After Noah was born, we noticed his birthmark on his right shoulder was a heart. I know 100% that it was a sign of confirmation given by God that he kept his promise to me and answered my prayer. I know it because He did the same thing with Noah after the flood when He promised to never flood the earth again by putting a sign in the sky (His rainbow) as confirmation of that promise. Now isn’t that something…😊”